afabiano - Why? Why did I do this?
These stories are not original, but collected from around the web. If a story here belongs to you and you would like it taken down from this site, please let us know by emailing darkboy42@gmail.com. Thank you!
This story is from the Eunuch Archive: www.eunuchworld.org
[F] Why? Why did I do this? Submission Date: 2010-05-24 By: afabiano [Clitorectomy] [Minor] [Straight]
Sometimes you do stupid things when you are young. Wish I could undo this. Parents, let this be a warning to keep a better eye on what your kids are up to. And to anyone who went to my high school if you find this story, yes it is me and yes, that tweet was real. I'm grown up and can handle it now. I don't blame him anymore and I've moved on. Don't try this at home.
So this is a story about what life can turn out like it you make a really stupid choice when you are too young to understand what you're doing. I did, and I definitely regret it. This is a true story, unfortunately, which I don't really expect you to believe. I don't really care if you believe me or not, but hopefully I can make you understand. Personally I'd rather believe it's not true.
I was a fairly normal 15 year old. Normal, anyways, for being into S&M and being a secret cutter. I wouldn't consider myself "goth", although I'm sure others did. I just enjoyed pain, physical, and the emotionally self-inflicted kind that most teenagers put themselves through. Needless to say, being somewhat depressing and easy to make cry, I didn't have many friends. I finally learned that putting up a hard face meant the teasing would stop. But it left me emotionally empty and vulnerable. I felt I wanted to fit in, to prove I belonged to a group. I think that is what made my reaction so extreme.
I began to be interested in being tied up after finding a link to a bondage site on my dad's old computer. I don't think he was into it, it was probably spam or some stupid lure site that tries to trick you into bookmarking it. But it got me interested. I had a lot of free time in the afternoon before my mom came home, and being an only child, and nearly 16, I was trusted enough to be alone. I tried a bunch of things, learning to tie myself up and to escape, and getting better at tieing each time. Eventually, I started getting into pain. I had to hide rope burns on my wrist once for an entire week under long-sleeves right before summer.
That summer, I had a lot of free time.
I tried sewing needles, razors, and matches. First on the bottom of my feet - then my thighs. Then my nipples. I worked up to using binder clips on my breasts.. pierced my navel (mistake - got infected). Got brave enough to try piercing my nipples, tried to push a needle through once - the damn needle hurt my finger about just as much and I couldn't get it through. Eventually I was torturing my labia. I had a dream where I cut them off with scissors once. Tried that, for real, just wanted to try a quarter inch or so, but it hurt too much. It's not the cutting that hurts, but the skin that gets folded into the gap between the blades - the pinching is worse than you can imagine.
And this is the stuff I tried on my own. Then one day walking back from the lake, I met Josh. My mom wasn't around a lot, and he had a car. He gave me a ride home. He was polite, more polite than he needed to be. We did it for the first time on our second date. I wasn't his first, or so he claimed. I wasn't sure until I came... holy shit. I had tried playing with myself before, but never was able to get anything really to happen. He knew more about how to stimulate me than I knew myself.
But of course, it wasn't enough, I wanted pain. I made him spank me. Hard, and then harder. We began to spend a lot of time together, basically any free time when he wasn't working and my mom wasn't home, we'd get together. Any time we didn't, I'd learn new things to do on the net. My only girlfriend, Olivia, she found the bruises on my arm. She didn't believe me when I told her I made him do it - so I showed her. How I like to cut, my thighs, pierce myself with needles, hold unlit matches on my nipples and light them with another match.
At first, she was shocked - but I encouraged her to try it. I told her about how intense it was when you feel pain - and I also showed her how to orgasm. I'm not lez or anything, I just told her about how it works and showed a little bit. To be honest, I was too embarrassed to finish. I'm sure she tried it at home. I was the pathetic, freaky girl that used to cry all the time, and now I was the dangerous, adventurous girl, who knew about sex and boys and being kinky. That made me a bit more popular.
Olivia said Jamie wanted to see me do it... hurt myself for fun. I said, only if they did it too. I lit a match and held it on my forearm. They both did it and asked why? But it was a challenge. I could do more. And I was getting turned on. Next, clips on the breasts - from paper binders. We decided to see who could hold it the longest. Olivia put it low on her breast, Jamie on the big pink spot. I put it right on my nipple. Jamie won.. and took pride in having beat me at a challenge. It's funny how once you start, your pain tolerance goes up, your heart starts to beat fast. I had them help me, and we stuck a sewing needle through my nipple. When they pushed it through, I felt this great rush, almost like an orgasm. Then, the dull ache of the piercing. It felt so cool to play with the needle, twisting it back and forth, having it move my nipple from the inside. We tried to take it out and put in an earring, but it didn't work, it wouldn't fit back through the hole and their was blood.
Olivia went to the bathroom after that, I don't know if the blood made her queasy, but me and Jamie both laughed when we heard her. I guess it had turned all of us on. We were pain sisters. Soon enough, more of that followed. Challenges, who can hold it the longest or take the most. They met Josh, socially. He thought we were all a bit weird and was put off by it, he wouldn't hang out when we were all around .. but he didn't stop coming by for sex. Seemed like he just wanted blow jobs now. I made him return the favor to me, but he didn't like it too much.
Jamie's boyfriend was much more cool, he was older, and was able to get her to a piercing shop. She got her nose, pierced, then, we were all supposed to get our nipples pierced. Olivia chickened out, ended up ratting out that we weren't 18. But we all left with an extra earring.
That fall, I was much more popular - and confident. But I still felt like I had something to prove. Josh didn't go to my school, so I didn't really see him anymore. I met Mike and we hooked up. He wasn't into the pain games I was playing at first, but then, he got really into it, after I gave him a hand job while talking about it in the library.
We tried 69 and a few other things, and as much as it was fun, I wanted more pain. We tried piercing my labia shut with pins. I finally got my nipples pierced, for real, when I turned 16 that fall - we did it ourselves, I ordered the jewelry online.
Jamie and I egged each other on, but Olivia wasn't really part of our game anymore. I'd try a new technique every once in a while. We put staples through the skin under our arms in study hall once. Her boyfriend wanted her to be submissive. Mike didn't care so much about that, but I wanted to outdo her. Eventually I latched onto the idea of being the perfect submissive.
I found the idea online, and it made my heart stop. Not only would it be the ultimate symbol of submission, it would be really painful. I decided then and there - I was going to have my clit removed. I texted Jamie and Olivia that I had some news for them.. and would tell them tomorrow. They of course, tried to talk me out of it. But I had done play piercing with it already, we even tried matches on my clit already. I got a blister and it was too painful to play with it for a couple days, but me and Mike had sex and I didn't cum. Imagine if I couldn't cum anymore. It would be so submissive! Besides, most women can still cum afterwards anyway, I read online. There's like half a dozen women who have done it and they're all happy about it. I guess we were all wrapped up in the moment of it.. I convinced them it was cool. Not that they would ever do it.
I told Mike I had a surprise for him. He's always wanted to try something and I told him he could.. you know, have anal with me if he wanted, but he had to help me do something. His face turned white when I asked him. To this day I don't know if he was turned on, horrified, or embarrased. Maybe all three. But we set a date. He helped me order supplies online. Back in the day, you could get surgical scalpels and injectable anaesthetic from Canada. Maybe you still can. Not that it's a particularly good idea. But we made a promise to do it Thursday. We didn't want to wait too long and get scared out of doing it.
The first part was easy - somewhat easy. We were going to pierce my clit. We had done it before, with small needles. This time, we were going to use a big needle, so we could pull on it. We put string around the needle, and pushed a cork over each ends. The other end of the string went around a piece of metal pipe from the radiator. I sat, knees up and feet together on the floor in the bathroom. Using my feet, I pushed away from the wall and pulled the string, which pulled a lot on my clit. It stood out quite a bit. Then, we started cutting. The plan was to go all around, in a circle. We started at the top, down the left, first just a tiny cut down through the hood and to the base. As I pulled on the string, more and more tissue came out, that seemed to stop the bleeding. Then, the same, down the right. I was running totally on adrenaline. We didn't speak. Mike started to cut along the bottom, but I wasn't ready for that.. it hurt so much more than I expected to cut into the base of the clit. I recoiled away from the knife, but held onto the string, gripping so tight... he cut again, and for a few seconds it got really intense, but eventually I felt no tension anymore. I looked down and blood began to gush out. I held a towel and Mike lit the cigar.. we pressed it in to stop the bleeding. The ash and burning stub did their work, over and over again for the next 15 minutes until there was no more blood. Mike puked... I found what I had literally ripped out of my body. There was more to it than I thought, we got most of the hood but a tiny flap which we cut off later, and there was sort of like wings on each side of it. I thought it was the coolest thing ever.. I was a perfect submissive. When Mike recovered from the nicotine, I gave him what I promised.
The next day, I called in sick and stayed home from school. I couldn't talk to Jamie or Olivia about it yet. They texted me, asked if I was ok. I said I was, everything was fine. But I really didn't know. Finally, I looked at myself in a mirror. It was all black and scabby and disgusting. The cigar was probably not the best idea. I washed off what dirt and ash that I could and put some gauze over it. Strange how devoid of sensation it was. By Monday it was scabbed over nicely and I no longer had any bleeding. I triumphantly told them that I did it. Of course, they were curious about it.. to know what it felt like now. So was I! But too sore to do anything about it. Mike and I hooked up a few times that week, some kissing and breast play, and a little more anal. I didn't get off, but I was beginning to enjoy that. I was his little submissive now, the perfect sub. I got really horny thinking about it.
The next week, the scab came off and I was able to really scrub and clean everything. Still sore, mostly from the burns, and still, a little bit of bleeding. The second week everything was looking much better and healed up. Obviously, I was going to have a scar, it was discolored and strange in texture. I tried to finger myself and play with the spot, but couldn't really feel anything, it was odd to rub my finger there and not be able to feel anything at all. That's when I realized I might be in trouble. Mike and I had sex after that, quite a bit actually, but I never came. It wasn't supposed to be like that according to what I read. Most women are still supposed to be able to climax, and yes, my other erotic regions did become more sensitive to compensate - but in my case, not enough. I can get horny, I can get turned on, even wet, but I simply can't cum anymore.
And after everything I've tried, I'm fairly well convinced that is how it is going to be - I'm never going to orgasm again. Well, I got my submissive wish after all - I can only just lay there and please my partner now and I have to be satisfied with that. Sex feels good, even fun for me, there is just no climax. I've learned to accept it more and more as time goes on, but it has been a difficult adjustment. I really didn't think it would turn out this way. The worst part, for me anyways, was when Mike and I broke up. He tweeted about what I had done to the whole school, people asked why we broke up and he posted, "Adrianna cut off her clit!" What a bastard. Jamie kept me company for the next year, eventually people forgot about it or thought it was a joke, but I knew otherwise and so did my friends.
After a few years, I eventually saw a doctor about it, told her that I had been assaulted and that the guy went to prison. She was pretty horrified, tried to comfort me. I just wanted facts. In her opinion, it wasn't likely that I'd ever have the same level of sensation and enjoyment again, but I could try to learn to orgasm vaginally through sex therapy. I wasn't really interested in that, damnit, I know my own body well enough to know that nobody else is going to be able to tell me how to enjoy it. She inspected what had been done, and said there was a lot of scarring and it's likely that a large part of the crura were removed along with the body of the clitoris itself. That makes it even less likely that I'll be able to orgasm, she couldn't give me real odds, but said the literature at least, says 80% of women can orgasm vaginally. In my case, because of the amount of damage, it's far less likely, maybe a 30% chance that I'll ever climax again. She told me, I don't want to discourage you, keep trying. Fuck!
If I had the choice to do it over again, I would never have done it. But it's not like I can change it now. Let's face it: having a clit is a lot of fun, and this was a really dumb decision. Even if I am able to have an orgasm again, it's going to be a lot of hard work. I've had several lovers who were willing to try, for hours, to help bring me to a g-spot orgasm. Maybe it's my anatomy, but it doesn't do it for me. I just get very aroused and wet, but nothing much happens. It's so frustrating, I don't know if I want to try it again.. but every so often, I do, I've been using a vibrator to try to get off. My current boyfriend doesn't seem to mind, he likes that I don't really have a preference now, we can go anal or vaginal, whatever he wants, either way, I get the same amount of pleasure. I've heard it described as the sensation is sort of like a french kiss now to have sex, as some other women who have had this done have said, and it's pretty close to that. As long as there is plenty of lubrication, it feels very good and slippery - just no orgasm.
The bondage stuff sort of fell off with time, as did the pain-girl desires. I still torture my nipples from time to time, just for fun, as that is the most intense sensation I can feel now, but other than that I'm not really into S&M anymore. I guess if my current boyfriend doesn't work out, I can always find someone who's into the lifestyle and likes my current situation, or fantasizes about having the perfect submissive, so submissive they gave up sexual pleasure for life - just for fun, or to prove how dedicated they were, it doesn't matter, the consequence is the same and now I have to live with that.